I’m generally a pretty even-tempered person. My highs aren’t extreme and my lows manifest themselves as mild annoyance at the world, as opposed to any sort of gut-wrenching soul-pain. This isn’t really an attribute I like or dislike - I just don’t really have the emotional capacity to feel big feelings, and I think I’m ok with it.
I don’t often enter into conflict with people (it’s time-consuming and it sets me on edge), but when I’m cornered into conflict I’ve realized I get nasty very, very quickly. I don’t yell and I’m not really a crier, so without being conscious of it I aim to cut quickly and deeply so I can walk away feeling like the encounter is complete. I identify the comment, truth, or observation that will cause the most pain, deliver it evenly and without apology.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what turns me off the idea of romantic relationships. I claim to hate the intrusion into my life, the obligation and the drama - all things that are more or less true. But it goes a lot deeper than that, which is something I’m finally facing up to. I don’t like not being in control of my feelings. I don’t like being sad, I don’t like being unsure and I don’t like the idea of my pain becoming a game for someone else. Whatever fulfillment I may find just doesn’t seem worth it.
Someone once suggested that I feel things so deeply that I don’t even know I’m feeling them. It’s an interesting theory, but I’m not sure if it was just an attempt to make me feel more normal. I’m not sure what any of this means, but I’m ok with it for now.
There is no true love or fate or “intertwining of souls” or “forever” or any of that bullshit that romantic, self-indulgent literature would have you believe. There is friendship and comfort and great sex and loud music and family and self-actualization.
I wish people would love life for what it is, instead of trying to build their lives around things that will never exist.
"When the bombers got back to their base, the steel cylinders were taken from the racks and shipped back to the United States of America, where factories were operating night and day, dismantling the cylinders, separating the dangerous contents into minerals. Touchingly, it was mainly women who did this work. The minerals were then shipped to specialists in remote areas. It was their business to put them into the ground, to hide them cleverly, so they would never hurt anybody ever again."
KURT VONNEGUT, SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE Jul 3